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After conquering Thracia castle Ark Jr has finally managed to end the feud between Lenster and Thracia. Now they have set their sights on Miletos, but first they must save the all might inventor of the golden underwear. After Cherubae was capture by the Grandbell Empire, underwears have never been the same again. For one thing they actually look normal for once. Too bad nobody's allow to wear them outside anymore... well except for some moron named Superman. This up coming battle will either destory or save the underwear forever...
Chapter 9 Gaiden(or side story, or whatever you like to call it.)
Narrator: Ark Jr and his army awaits at Thracia castle for Conspiracy to return.
Ark Jr: What's taking him so long. Hey Levin, explain to me again why we must save this underwear lady again?
Levin: *sigh* Look, Cherubae is a very important person in the history of underwear. She's the inventor of FOGU. She also once helped you're father in the battle against impossible odds. Since we're headed for Miletos, we might as well go help her out.
Ark Jr: I knew that. I just needed you to repeat it again so the readers knows what's going on.
Conspiracy: No, no, Sparrohawc not... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *BOOM* HHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ark Jr: Next time, try using the door Conspiracy. I'm sure it's less painful.
Conspiracy: Ow... I was taking the Sparrohawc express. He flew me back here and dropped me through the roof ok?
Ark Jr: So did you find the FOGU army?
Conspiracy: Yeah, everybody's ok. They're all in Fort Undies at Miletos. They do need some help in leading an army.
Ark Jr: Why's that?
Conspiracy: Everytime they attack Peluluc castle they run away whenever they see the enemies. They don't even fight and they already start to retreat. How do they expect to get Cher back if they keep doing that?
Ark Jr: That is sad... Well let's start packing and head for Miletos. We'll meet up with the underwear army.
Narrator: Ark Jr moved his troops out of Thracia castle and headed for Miletos. In castle Peluluc The Cheese and his minions hears the news of Ark Jr coming.
Beruga: The son of Ark will be here soon. You had better guard Peluluc castle and that underwear lady with your life!
The Cheese: Don't worry Dr. Beruga. We can take care of those guys. What heck is so special about those golden underwears anyway?
Beruga: Do not underestimate the power of the underwears. If they were to join forces with Ark Jr, we may have even more trouble. The underwears also protects the 3 Flame War Sages. If the power of Light Gaia combines with the Golden Underwear even our empire would fall.
The Cheese: Don't you have 2 of the Flame War Sages?
Beruga: One of them was already rescued by Ark Jr. That's why we must destory those rebels.
The Cheese: But what about Cherubae? She's mean and powerful!
Beruga: Don't worry, as long as she's under my powerful spell she can't escape.
Narrator: After a few days of traveling they finally reached the secret underwear headquarters, Fort Undies.
Ark Jr: Wow check out the size of that potato!
Conspiracy: Yo Beam Cauldron, wake up dammit!
Beam Cauldron: Zzzzz wha-what? Who? ... Oh it's you Conspiracy. We have been expecting you.
Ark Jr: Eek a talking potato!
Beam Cauldron: That's general talking potato to you! Hurry let's get inside our base before the empire sees us.
Narrator: They all followed Beam Cauldron back to their secret HQ.
Beam Cauldron: Ok everybody, we've got reinforcements here.
Cyrus: Why it's Ark Jr! You're a girl right?
Ark Jr: Er.... no I'm a guy... What's up with him?
Beam Cauldron: Terranigma Freak scrambled his brains. Don't worry, you'll get use to him. He used to be the master of no text, but now he's the master of no sex...
Cojiro: Bu bu bucock... Err I mean welcome Ark Jr.
Ark Jr: Why it's a blue chicken!
Cojiro: I'm Cojiro, and this is my buddy, Marti.
Marti: Hi I'm Marti and... hey that girl has nice legs. Will you go ou-*SMACK* ... Ouch... Oh she has nice legs to-*SMACK*
Conspiracy: You better tell Marti to go away before this reunion becomes his a funeral.
Cojiro: Go away Marti... You know I still don't understand how they manage to catch Cherubae.
Conspiracy: El Bobo betrayed us... He somehow managed to bring Cher to the empire...
Beam Cauldron: Why that dirty low down El Bobo!!! Where is he. I'm gonna kick his ass for this! Heck I'll even eat his pants!
Cyrus: He doesn't wear pants anymore.
Conspiracy: Forget El Bobo we must rescue Cherubae.
Ark Jr: So what's the situation like right now?
Beam Cauldron: Well we've mounted a sneak attack yesterday, but we failed...
Narrator: Alright more flashbacks! They have formed a party of 5 members to sneak attack Peluluc castle. Jhiend, Beam Cauldron, Cyrus, Magus_akaJanus, and Cojiro are right now on the roof of the castle and ready to attack.
Cyrus: Ok will melt a hole through it using PISS. Jhiend, you do the honors.
Jhiend: Right, just a drop of Powerful Icky Super Solution, PISS for short. It will desolve a large hole on the roof.
Beam Cauldron: All of your ropes are secure right? We'll slide down the ropes and shoot everything in sight.
Magus_akaJanus: Come on, come, let's do it!
Narrator: They used PISS and melted a hole through the roof. Then they slip down their ropes while firing their machine guns. The enemies quickly came, but they were quickly dispatched.
Cojiro: Eat grenade you...
Beam Cauldron: NO COJIRO! You're suppose to pull the pin and throw the grenade, not pull the grenade and throw the pi *BOOOOM* n... Man down, man.. er I mean chicken down!
Jhiend: Crap, Cyrus, you go help Krispy McNugget! Beam Cauldron, Magus, and I will cover you!
Ark Jr: So that's what happened huh?
Beam Cauldron: Yep, no thanks to Cojiro...
Ark Jr: You people are going to need some serious help! I think the first thing we should do is check out what kind of skills you people have.
Levin: Yes let's go to the court yard.
Narrator: Everyone lines up to display their skills. Ark Jr, Conspiracy, Levin, and Yomi sits behind a desk to watch.
Conspiracy: Ok first up, Galinstar... Show us what ya got Galin!
Galinstar: Ok... *takes off pants*
Ark Jr: Gaaaaahhhhh put your pants back on, put your pants back on! We're here to see fighting skills not the Full Monty.
Galinstar: Oh, well why didn't you say so!
Narrator: Galinstar pulls out 2 large rats and swings them like a weapon. He fights like a whirlwind. Swinging them back and forth.
Ark Jr: Hey that was pretty good! I've never seen anyone swing dead rats like you do.
Yomi: I've never seen anyone swing dead rats, period!
Galinstar: I bag these babies in Cher's closet. Each weighting at 70lbs. They are now my weapon of choice. I call them the Dead Rats Of The 7 Stars.
Conspiracy: ... err... that's nice Galin... next up is Wert!
Wertigon: Ok it's my turn.
Narrator: Wertigon took out 2 machine guns and press the trigger. He quickly lost his grip and the gun fell on the ground shot wildly all over the place. Everyone quickly ducks behind the desk. After a couple of minutes the shooting stopped and they poke their heads out.
Wertigon: So, I'm in?
Levin: Thank you... for that... display... of... stuff...
Conspiracy: Almost got us killed you idiot! Next!
Cojiro: Oh boy oh boy! *Cojiro casts rubber chicken level -5* ... huh... nothing happened... *Cojiro casts mega chicken level 0* ...
Conspiracy: NEXT!
Cojiro: Bu-but... *Cojiro casts sobbing level 99* Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Conspiracy: I said next!
Tonnica Sister #1: Hello I'm...
Ark Jr: Everyone draw your swords! *draws sword*
Cyrus: No, no, no, she's one of us now!
Ark Jr: ... Oh ok...
Tonnica Sister #1: Only I joined. My sisters are somewhere else. *takes out a computer* Now watch and be amazed.
Narrator: Tonnica Sister #1 booted up the computer and fingers flew across the keyboard(while the guy who's writting this story is slowly tapping one key at a time).
Tonnica Sister #1: Ha I hacked into Enix's central computer... Screw you for not making a sequal to Terranigma!
Narrator: With the click of a button she sends the Dark Gaia virus and thrashs all of Enix's computers.
Ark Jr: Impressive!
Conspiracy: NEXT!
Cyrus: Y-you're a guy right Conspiracy?
Conspiracy: *slaps forehead* Of course I'm a guy dammit!
Cyrus: I-I knew that. Ok now it's my turn.
Narrator: Cyrus takes out his Masamune and swings them. Him and Magus_akaJanus starts fighting.
Cyrus: Oh no, the Masamune!
Glenn: Cyrus, I'm a goner...
Cyrus: Run Glenn, I'll hold them off.
Magus_akaJanus: You better worry about yourself Cyrus.
Narrator: Magus_akaJanus throw a fireball and sets Cyrus' pants on fire. Cyrus ran around screaming.
Cyrus: Ahhhhh hot, hot, hot, hot!!!
Ark Jr: Where the hell this Glenn guy come from?
Conspiracy: Very good acting Cyrus. NEXT!
Zedpower: G-g-g-host I'll tell you... GHOST!!!!
Ark Jr: B-b-b-big monkey... BIG HAIRY MONKEY!!!
Conspiracy: That was Terranigma Freak's twin brother you saw! And no Ark Jr, that's just Zed not a monkey.
Zedpower: It was his twin brother? I forgot! I feel much better... hey who you're calling monkey?
Ark Jr: Oh sorry, you've gotten hairier then the last time I saw you.
Conspiracy: Yes now begin..
Zedpower: Ok... GROW!!!!!!
Ark Jr: Ahhh get it off me, get it off me!!! *plucks hair from his ass*
Conspiracy: Gahhhhh my nose hair!!! *plucks his nose hair*
Yomi: Ahhhh I getting bald!
Levin: Stop please, STOP!
Zedpower: Stop! Heeheehee, so how do you like my hair tech?
Ark Jr: I'm impressed.
S19: Hey everybody I got the number X rated movie on tape!
Everybody: Yahooooo!
Ark Jr: ... Aren't you a bit young to be watching that kind of stuff?
S19: What are you talking about? It's only rated PG. X gave it 2 thumbs up! X said it was number 1 movie, and he's always been a great film critic.
Ark Jr: Oh X is a person who rated that movie as number 1!
S19: Yeah that's right. What did you think X rated means?
Ark Jr: Oh... nothing really...
X: Hey everybody, I'm back!
S19: Hey X, we were just going to watch that movie.
X: Ah no time to watch movies now! We must save Cherubae before it's too late!
Ark Jr: Ah now this guy has a point. Ok it's time to show me what your soldiers can do.
Cojiro: Oh oh, I came up with the soldier's training program! You'll be impressed! Alright everyone, 10 laps around this place!
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Narrator: All the soldiers started putting ice down their pants and ran back and forth screaming...
Soldier1: Coooooold!
Soldier2: Gahhhhhhh Ooooooohhhhh!!!
Soldier3: Yayayaya!!!
Ark Jr: *big sweat drop* ... And how's this suppose to train the soldiers?
Cojiro: I don't know. You get frozen popsticals(you don't wanna know...).
Yomi: This is sad... very sad. Their soldiers have no battle skills...
Ark Jr: *sigh* We better start by training these soldiers first. .
|
| (They always make you sing stupid songs when you're in the army. I don't remember where I heard this song.) |
Narrator: Ark Jr and all his troops shows how to really train soldiers. After weeks of hard work the FOGU troops are finally learning something.
Ark Jr: If you were captured by your enemy, you must face him with honor and dignity. Like this. Please, please, please don't kill me!!! I'm too young to die. I have a wife and 17 kids oh please spare me!!! Everyone got that?
Cojiro: Hahahaha look at that fool! Like I need him to teach me that!
Ark Jr: We also have a dress code in the battle field. Underwears are NOT armors! And no silly kilts, got that Marti?
Marti: Damn!
Narrator: So they still needed a bit more work... After even more training everyone felt they were finally ready. They all went to the meeting room to plan.
Ark Jr: Well everyone did a great job. It's time to make plans and attack Peluluc castle and rescue Cherubae.
Magus_akaJanus: We must get Cher out safely.
Wertigon: That won't be easy. The Cheese has her locked up, and he can kill her anytime if me make a wrong more.
Cyrus and Conspiracy: We can always try to ignore The Cheese and he'll go away.
S19: Hello? Earth to Conspiracy and Cyrus, The Cheese has Cher!
Jhiend: Hey wait, I got an idea! We can throw tons of tear gas into Peluluc castle and force The Cheese and his minions out! We can use that chance to go in and get Cher back.
Cojiro: We got tear gas?
X: Yeah they're in the storage. I'll go get them.
Narrator: X goes to get the tear gas, but then he came back empty handed.
X: All the tear gas' gone?!
Marti: Cojiro thought it was flee spray. I think he used it all.
Jhiend: Oh wonderful... how are we going to attack Peluluc castle?
Tonnica Sister #1: Mmmm I love miso soup... FART... Excuse me.
Galinstar: That's it! We can use beans!
Narrator: Everybody went to work. They set up tons of catapults near Peluluc castle.
Galinstar: See the plan is simple, we use the catapults to fling people inside Peluluc castle. Once they're inside they can start farting. With all the beans they've ate this should be a gas.
Ark Jr: Well... it's different...
Galinstar: Ok... Ready... Aim... Fire!!!!
Marti: Wheeee this will be fun.
Narrator: The catapult fires a launches Marti into *SLAM*... the wall of Peluluc castle.
Marti: ... Ouch...
Narrator: The catapults flings tons of soldiers into Peluluc castle. Once inside they gas the place. The Cheese and his minions ran around in panic.
Ark Jr: Those beans appears to be working. *FART!* Damn you can actually hear them farting in the castle from all the way out here!
Narrator: Back inside the castle something bad is happening.
Soldier: Gah I need to use the bathroom.
Soldier2: Hey hurry up in there, I need to use it too.
Soldier3: I ate too much beans...oooooh I think I'm gonna... Must use bathroom.
Tonnica Sister #1: The battle appears to be going well. I'm sure The Cheese and his troops are dying... What the?
Narrator: The FOGU soldiers all fled from Peluluc castle. They were holding their stomachs and needs to use the bathroom.
Conspiracy: No no no, don't come at us!!! Ahhhhhhh*FART*hhhhhhh!!!
Galinstar: Looks like our plan failed... RETREAT!
Narrator: They retreated back to Fort Undies.
Galinstar: Well looks like it's back to the drawing board...
Tonnica Sister #1: I say we should launch a all out battle! We hit them where it hurts! Are you all ready to rumble!? We're not scared of these guys right!!!!!
Cyrus: ... Wahhhhhh I'm scared!!!
Galinstar: *plays dead*
Beam Cauldron: *pretends he didn't hear Tonnica*
Ark Jr: Whimps!
Conspiracy: Nobody here knows the Art Of War too well. The ones that do know are either dead or captured... But I'm sure I can do some of that tactical thingy. Now Beam Cauldron tomorrow he'll go there... and do that thing, and... er Cyrus can do er... and err... Galinstar will attack... them when they... do that thing... Everyone got that?
Everyone: NO!
Jhiend: Tonnica's right, are you guys people or chicken?
Cojiro: I'm chicken.
Jhiend: *sweat drop* Oh right sorry Cojiro.
Levin: People get with the program here! Tomorrow we'll launch a full assult on Peluluc castle and that's final!
Ark Jr: Right, and we'll use those battle formations we've taught you. X here a Chinese to English dictionary. The battle formations will be in pinyin, so the enemy won't know what we're doing. X can use the dictionary to translate.
Narrator: The next day they gathered their armies and went to challenge The Cheese. They all meet at the battlefield.
Cheese: So you finally dear to fight me huh? See if you can beat my number 1 fighter Large Person.
Large Person: I'm going to crush you! Who will fight me 1 on 1?
S19: No please I'm too young to die please!!!
Ark Jr: We haven't picked anyone to go out to fight yet S19.
S19: Oh right, I knew that... PLEASE DON'T PICK ME!!!!
Ark Jr: *sweat drop* Cojiro, you go fight him.
|
| (I got a 100 bucks on big ugly guy.) |
Narrator: Cojiro stepped out to fight Large Person. Cojiro uses tackle attack. Large Person lost 30 HP. Large Person used Hype Ass on Cojiro. It's not very effective. Cojiro lost 2 HP. Cojiro used Razor Feathers, but missed. Large Person used Sonic Belch. Cojiro lost 50 HP. Cojiro prepares to use his ultimate attack. Cojiro casts Chicken Soup Level 90!!! Large Person drank all the chicken soup. Large Person used Thunderbolt. It's super effective! Cojiro lost 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999993HP! Yes yes I think it a faint... Yes Cojiro fainted! Large Person wins. Recieves 900 Exp... What's this? Large Person is evolving! Wow Large Person evolved into Blubber Ass!
The Cheese: Hahaha we won!
Ark Jr: Cojiro return... Cojiro return! I return dammit!
Tonnica Sister #1: I don't think he'll move cause he fainted.
Ark Jr: Oh well then, all troops attack!!!
Narrator: Bothsides charged at each other and the battle begins! Ark Jr uses a flag to signal them.
Ark Jr: Everybody, use the He Yi(it means the Crane) formation!
X: Err *flips through dictionary* He Yi... that would be the Vegie Formation? You heard him Vegie Formation!
Narrator: The FOGU troops goes into a jumble mess.
Ark Jr: No no no you idiots... Use San Kai(it means scatter)!
X: Err *flips through dictionary* French Frice Formation... Ok French Frice Formation!
Wertigon: I don't remember Ark Jr talking about a Vegie Formation or French Frice Formation... oh well.
Narrator: The FOGU troops gets even more messed up. They charge and run over each other.
Ark Jr: Gah!!! Use Ba Gua(it means either Yin Yang or Eight Diagram)!!!
X: Ba Gua... Oh it says... Nosey Formation... Ok people The Nosey Formation!
Narrator: ... Let's just say it looks like a circus out there, not a full scale war... Nobody on the battlefield knew what they were doing.
The Cheese: What the hell are they doing? They must be using some kind of trick! I heard of Ark Jr's troops know all kind of evil tricks... All troops retreat! I need a diaper change!
Narrator: All of The Cheese's troops fled in terror.
Wertigon: Die Cheese! *POW*
Conspiracy: OUCH!
Wertigon: Die Cheese! *POW*
Conspiracy: OUCH!
Ark Jr: I don't believe this... We won... Ok you idiots can stop punching each other now! Wertigon that's Conspiracy you're punching!
Wertigon: Oops... heeheehee sorry...
Magus_akaJanus: Gahhhh it's me Jhiend! It's only me!!!
Jhiend: *hides toilet plunger* I was only testing you... Yeah that's right...
Beam Cauldron: We won our first battle! I'm so happy! Let's go back and party!!!
Narrator: That night everyone was having a party.
Zedpower: Ok let's try turning on all the appliances and see is we can blow out the fuse in the entire Miletos!
Everyone: YEAH!
Narrator: They started plugging up all the electric appliance and turn them all on at the same time... And blew out the fuse... Then suddenly a loud roar could be heard coming from inside Peluluc castle. Everyone quickly went to see what's going on.
Ark Jr: I don't like the looks of this... The gate on Peluluc castle was torn in half...
Zedpower: Let's go inside and see.
Narrator: When they got inside, they saw the dead bodies of The Cheese and his minions lying on the floor. Large holes were puched through the walls.
Zedpower: ... glup... who could have done this?
Cyrus: Wahhhhhh I want my mommy!
Galinstar: Quite Cyrus or whoever or whatever did this will know that we *BOOM* ... here... AHHHHH!
Narrator: Everybody ran in circles screaming.
Conspiracy: No wait... It's Cher!!!
Cherubae: Who interrupted my Everquest will pay!!!!!!
Zedpower: Oh crap run for it!
Jhiend: Oh boy...
Conspiracy: Wait, you mean all this time you were in here playing Everquest?
Cherubae: Everquest Expansion.
Conspiracy: Ah it must because we blew out the fuse and Cherubae couldn't play Everquest. So that's how they managed to capture Cher! They used Everquest to trap her here. We knew nobody can capture you so easily.
Narrator: Everyone of the FOGU members bows down to Cherubae. The next day they packed everything up and prepares to return to FOGU Land.
Conspiracy: Well you guys take care and return. I have to stay here and do heroic stuff. Then you can watch it all when they make a movie of it.
Ark Jr: Bye bye everyone. Thanks for your... er help.
Yomi: Yeah and don't ever come back!
Narrator: Cherubae puts back on her crown er I mean Underwear... er I mean golden underwear crown and leaves with the FOGU members and headed back to FOGU Land...