Quick Forward
by Dais

Great stuff. All I basically have to say is not to be too mean about underTakr's writing. It's great. Hey, I have to go over mine a million times. And besides, the spelling 'ghasp' is pretty damn cool. For your explanation, the Mengsk/Kerrigan bit is from Starcraft, KillrJoe is underTakr's alter ego, and Albert...you don't want to know about Albert. I created him. That's enough on the subject.

*

underTakr's Turruhnigmuh

Scene: Ark is returning from Zue. His body is beaten up badly. But he is happy that he has resurrected the animals. He returns to the animal sanctuary.

Ark: *Whew*... That was rough. I finally fought a modestly difficult boss. Now I have resurrected the mighty hordes of friendly animals!
Bird: Actually, you only resurrected a total of 1 Giraffe, a hippo, a bird, some weird thing called a Llama, and 7 lions.
Ark: Huh?
Bird: Thats right. All that work has been completely wasted.
Ark:What a gyp! This sucks.
Monkey: Well, actually, according to my charts, you shouldn't have evolved by now anyway. You're a freak of nature.
Ark: Quiet you! -Whacks Monkey on head with big stick-
Monkey: *GURGLE!* (drowns in pool of its own blood.)
Bird: Why did you do that! I thought you were trying to save the animals!
Ark: Tough luck.
Big Censor Guy: Ark, you would know better then to harm innocent monkeys.
Ark: Who the hell are you?
Big Censor Guy: <===
Ark: How did you do that???
BCG: I'm the Big censor guy. I warn you when you do anything Vulgar or Violent.
(Ark taps foot)
BCG: So far, your 'NAUGHTYNAUGHTYNAUGHTY' meter has reached 179545 occurrences.
Ark: This is outrageous! To think that those damn Enix fellows have been spying me this whole time.
NAUGHTYNAUGHTYNAUGHTY: *DING!* I-Now-Read- '179546'
BCG: Ark, I really think you should enlist in some kind of adventure game. In fact, we already have everything lined up for you.
NNN: Yes! It's called- 'Big fat man hiding in the corner saying "DIE! DIE! DIE!"'
BCG: Think of the ratings! Everyone is sympathetic to Big Fat Men!
Ark: This is my game! Get the HELL off of it! UNDERTAKR!
Undertakr: Huh? Wha?
NNN: *DING!*
Ark: undertakr, these guys are trying to take over my show!
BCG: Hello, fine citizen! As a censor, it is my duty to hide you from reality. Will you please hide in the corner with your hands on your ears and your eyes closed?
UnderTakr: I will not allow semi-sorta-not-really mainstream games be Nice-tized by you freaks!
Ark: Yea! Go get em!
(Undertakr takes out shovel)
NNN: This is irrelevant. Abort the system.
(Pats shovel lovingly)
Undertakr: SHOVEL HEAD SLAM BANGER MOVE!
(Whacks BCG over head with shovel. Falls to ground unconscious.)
NNN: *DING! DING! DING DING!* THE PLAN HAS FAILED! ABORT! HIDE!
(Whacks NNN over head with shovel)
(Pool of blood spreads. Monkey, BCG, NNN lie dead in it.)
Invisible Crowd: YEA!!!!! WOHOOOO! BLOOD! BLOOD!
UT: I guess my work here is done.
Ark: Thank you, masked man!
UT: I'm not wearing a mask.
Ark: Who the hell cares?
UT: Nevermind. (UT rides of into sunset.)
Ark: There goes the kindest man that ever-
UT: AAAAAAUGH! IT BURNS! SUN HOT! BURNS! AAAAAUGH!
(UnderTakr is toasted!)
Ark: Hey! Thats my line!
Invisible crowd: OooooooooooooooH! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
(UnderTakr falls to ground, a pile of ashes.)
Ark: umm.... nevermind. What do i do now?
Hippo: Don't go into that cave! There are lions in there!
Ark: But there isn't anywhere else to go!
Hippo: NO! DON'T!
(Ark steps into cave- no lights. Red eyes are in the cave.)
Ark: DEAR GOD! FORGET THE LIONS! THE EVIL RED EYES ARE GOING TO KILL US ALL!
Evil red eyes1: Lets eat him!
Evil red eyes2: Yea! Thats what they are there for!
Evil red eyes3: All other animals were put onto our planet to be food for us!
Ark: EGOCENTRIC BASTARDS!
Evil red eyes1: Lets not eat him!
Evil red eyes2: Yes! We will accept him into our kingdom!
Evil red eyes3: Why are you saying that?? We're supposed to eat-
(Loud munching sounds)
(NNN raises bell for last time. It resounds with a frightening.... *DING!* Final ghasp. Death.)
Evil red eyes3: AAAAUGH!
(Lights turn on. Bunch of lions in cave.)
Ark: What? They're barely bigger then me! And I got a big pole! And how the hell did the lights turn on?
Lion1: All friends of us see lights.
Ark: It doesn't make sense.
Lion2: It's not supposed to.
Ark: Nevermind.
(Goes down to lion den.)
Neo: Our son is very headstrong! He went to the canyon! Save him!
Ark: Why the hell should i care about your son?
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: He will succeed the kingdom. Our friends reported there are MONSTERS there!
Ark: Your all lions! Why don't YOU go there?
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: GRRRRRR!
Neo: GRRRRR!
Ark: OK! OK! But this doesn't have anything to do with the plot in general...
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: GRRRRRR!
Neo: GRRRRRRR
Ark: GOING!
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: He will save our son!
(Ark leaves)
Neo: Good! He won't make it out of there alive...! MUAHAHA!
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: MUHAHAHAHAHA!!

*****

Kerrigan: Where'd you get this armada? Been raiding the salvage dumps again?
Mengsk: You know, Kerrigan, after you killed everybody, you would be quite surprised to see how many special action groups in the sector want to see you dead.
Kerrigan: Well, that doesn't matter. I'm pretty much the queen bitch of the Universe.
Undertakr: Why the hell do I have to fight on HER side?

***

UnderTakr: Power overwhelming
UnderTakr: operation cwal
Undertakr: Show me the money
Undertakr: Show me the money
Undertakr: Show me the money
Undertakr: Show me the money

***

{Undertakr views extravagant 4 minute cinematic sequence.}
UnderTakr: Oohhhh, how exciting.
{Infested Terran with a bomb on his back jumps at a bunker full of civilians. Things blow up.}
UnderTakr: Interesting, but boring.

***

{Znes 800 powers up.}

{Ark goes down a rope into the canyon.}
Ark: Hmf. Now, I have to find some cub...
Liem: Hey, big guy!
Ark: ACK! HELP! {Pulls out big stick}
Liem: Every lion has to prove himself in this canyon.
Ark: Oh, it's you.
{Bird dives down on Ark. Ark smacks bird.}
Liem: I will be brave and fight off the enemies.
{Liem walks by another bird.}
Ark: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
{Bird hits Liem for 2 points of damage.}
Liem: Protect me, big guy!
Ark: Why? It's your test!
Liem: ... .... .... .... .....
Ark: What? It looks like he's possessed....
Leim: If tests were this fun, I'd take one every day!
Ark: But you didnt answer my question!!!!! WAIT! COME BACK!

***

Liem: Wow, it looks like a maze, big guy!
Ark: Not really, I can see the way to the end from here. NO wait, thats a dead end you dolt!
{Liem walks five steps up, hits wall with head. Sits there.}
Ark: Umm, hey! Come back here. ... ... ok, I'll talk to you!
Liem: Looks like a dead end, big guy.
Ark: No, looks more like a wall.
Liem: Better double back.
Ark: Yeesh.
{Fight way through maze.}
{Some quotes from their little adventure...}

***

Liem: You can't read minds. You were just guessing!
Ark: No crap.

***

Liem: If tests were this fun, I'd do one every day!
Ark: This isn't fun.

***

Liem: Wow! Your pretty strong! Let me see you fight!
Ark: Why don't you fight for yourself, weakling.
{Liem grips onto Ark with claws.}
Ark: Aww, damn.

***

Liem: If tests were this fun, I'd do one every day!
Ark: You're on drugs.

***

Liem: If tests were this fun, I'd do one every day!
Ark: HE'S A BROKEN RECORD! Damnit! I'll FIX YOU!
{Ark turns on Liem. Smashes stick into Liem's face.}
Liem, {unnoticing}: Big. Guy. Big. Guy. Wrong. Bad. Big guy. Fun.
{Liem Bursts into flames.}
Ark: What the hell???!!!???
(Pause)
{Flames continue burning.}

{Flames stop. A faint speck of metallic silver comes in.}

Ark: OH MY GOD! ITS... ITS... ITS...
Liem: I am Cyborg-198-yt5…. Codename, Terminator Liem. My mission is to really really really really Piss you off, and attempt to destroy. Destroy. Destroy you.
Ark: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Liem: If tests were this fun, I'd do one every day!
{Ark begins whacking madly at Liem with stick. Liem grabs his stick, breaks it in two with his jaws.}
Ark: Damnit, he's TOO STRONG.
Terminator Liem: Resistance is futile, big guy.
Ark: AAAAAAAUGGH!!!
{Ark runs into the shadows and hides.}

***

{Terminator Liem is walking through the canyon, stalking.}
Terminator Liem: I know you're out there, Big guy! I just wanna play!
{Ark is hiding behind nearby rock, ghasping for air.}
Terminator Liem: THERE YOU ARE BIG GUY! I LOVE TESTS! GRRRRR!!!!!! I'LL EAT YOU!
Ark: AAAAAUGH!
{Ark runs away in terror.}
Terminator Liem: You can run, but you can't hide, Big Guy!

***

{Ark runs blindly through the canyon. Suddenly, he happens upon, a MUD DOLL!}
MudDoll: Hey Ark! You're really late! Are you stuck at that stupid bridge where you have to walk close to-
Ark: LIEM IS A TERMINATOR! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!!!!
MD: What the hell?
NNN: Ding!
{NNN vanishes in a puff of smoke}
MD: Then we'd better join forces to defeat him. I'll chuck my stupid mud at him, which can be easily blocked by you but which he obviously has no defense for.
Ark: HERE HE COMES!
Terminator Liem: HAVE FUN BIG GUY!
{MD shoots a stream of mud at the metal lion. The lion short-circuits, and falls over, sparking.}
Terminator Liem: BIG! GUY! BIG! GUY!
{Huge explosion. Gears, circuits, levers, and pulleys fly everywhere. Liem is gone.}
Mud doll: Congrats, Eddie!
Ark: Uh....?
MD: You have defeated the canyon, Ark! But your name really isnt Ark, its Eddie. Eddie Bulwinkle. You're from Fairtown, Pennsylvania. This is all a simulation. The actors, flying bubbles, Crysta, the towers, it was as a test in human Psychology. Now that the test is done, it's time to go home, Eddie.
Ark: {Blank stare}
MD: Just kidding!
{MD drops Ark in a hole in the canyon.}
MD: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Ark: This is most insulting.
{MD disappears}

***

Ark: ... ... ...
Ark: ... ... ...
Ark: ... ... ...
{Long pause}
Ark: WHAT CAN I DO??? I KILLED LIEM!
{Long pause}

***

{Ark begins doing jumping jacks.}
Ark: Hey everybody! Lets go! One! Two! Three! Four! Five!---
UnderTakr: Man, his 'idle Ark' stuff gets pretty weird after an hour...

***

{UnderTakr stares blankly at screen with the tilde key held down}
UnderTakr: I don't think anybody's coming for him... this sucks.
{Big flash of light comes from screen. Undertakr falls backwards off his chair.}
Undertakr: WHA?
{Another character has appeared in the canyon with Ark}
Ark: Who... are you?
Mysterious figure: Hey dude! Do you have any pizza down here?
Ark: What?
MF: Just kidding! My names Leonardo! I've come here on the bidding of the high lord Cherubae to rescue you!
{Three more figures drop down}
Donatello: I'm Donatello!
Raphael: I'm Raphael!
Michelangelo: I'm Michelangelo!
All: We're the TMNT!
Leonardo: As we said, The God Who Sees All And Who Knows All Mighty Be Her Name Cherubae has seen your plea. We have been sent to get you back onto Eklemanta.
Ark: Whats that?
TMNT: Its a mountain that you will go to and kill things even though you can't find any discernible reason to go there!
Ark: (Blank stare)... You're expecting me to believe that four baby turtles flushed down a toilet end up in the sewer, just happen to find radioactive ooze, grow to super size, are taught ninja skills by a giant rat, and have been enlisted by Cherubae to find a character in a not well known video game emulated by a third party and your IN the game?
TMNT: Yep.
Ark: (Blank stare)
UnderTakr: This is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.
NNN: Ding!
KillrJoe: Ouch! Thats GOTTA hurt!
Albert: My name is ALLLLLLLLLLLBERT!
Killrjoe: Who the hell are you??
{Killrjoe continues to beat the stuffings out of ALLLLLLLLLLBERT.}
TMNT: Just click the remnants of your rod five times and you'll be as good as new!
Ark: AAAAAAAAUGH!! ITS ALL LIKE A BAD DREAM!

(Everything fades away...)

***

Ark: Wha... Where am I?
{Everything is white}
Kefka: The end comes... beyond Chaos.
{Big weird monster head appears, then disappears. Screen flashes different colors}
Ark: I'M TIRED OF OF THIS WEIRDNESS! I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYTHING! LET GOD SORT EM OUT!
{Starts stabbing Kefka and the other characters madly}
Ark: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
{Everyone falls over in a pool of blood.}

(Everything fades to white)

***

Doctor: He's even worse then we thought.
KillrJoe: Tsk Tsk Tsk...
UnderTakr. Yeesh. I call up Cherubae to help him and he goes crazy.
{Ark opens his eyes. He's tied to table. He's in a room covered with pillows.}
Ark: Ohh, I have a headache.
Doctor: You're awake! I was afraid you'd gone completely crazy.
Ark: Uuhhgh.
Cherubae: Man, this guy has been exposed to way too much fanfic craziness. We need to start him over again.
Ark: Whats going on?
Doctor: You killed Kefka, all the characters from FF3/6, killed your nemesis, Will, from Illusion of Gaia, wiped out the FF2/4 landscape, destroyed the original Soulblazer gods, and for good luck, you killed Mario for his involvement in the Super Mario RPG.
Ark: I don't remember anything...
UnderTakr: Good. That means you wont have any suicidal tendencies.
Doctor: Or homicidal.
Donatello: TMNT FOREVER!
Albert: Quiet. Don't make it any harder for him.
NNN: Ding!
Michelangelo: Quiet! Kung foo action! NOW!
Doctor: Don't confuse him!
Ark: AAAAAAAAUGH!

{Fades to white}

***

{Everything is white. Suddenly, a solitary figure emerges in the blackness}
Ark: I'm... I'm... totally crazy, aren't I?
Solitary figure: I will help you. I'm going to restart the game and keep all of those crazy people out of it.
Ark: Whats happening?
SF: UnderTakr turned the game off. I'm going to restart you.
Ark: I'm so confused... whats going on?
SF: You won't remember anything...
Ark: I hope so, I can't figure anything out. But... But... who are you?
SF: I... am Dais.

{Everything fades to white}

***

Strange voice: Wake Up, Ark!
Ark: Ugh, I had the strangest dream...
Elle: You chased the chickens into the weavers house again.
Ark: Whew.. I guess everything is normal...
Elle: What are you talking about?
Ark: Oh, nothing.

***

UnderTakr: Whats going on? ... .... Oh, man! It restarted! I'll have to do everything again.
Dais: I did it for his sake.
underTakr: What? Where did you come from??
Dais: You were messing with his reality. I had to stop you.
UnderTakr: I was having a pretty damn fun time doing it too.
Dais: No more. You leave Ark alone. Mess with your own reality.
UnderTakr: I'll do that...
{Dais Vanishes}

UnderTakr: Now that was interesting. AW man! I have to do the Canyon again!

***

END