Ark: It pains me that we will have no more adventures together, Cojiro.

Cojiro: The feeling’s mutual, Ark.

(Ark hears a rustling in the bushes)

Ark: What was that?!?

Cojiro: What was what?

Ark: That rustling? It came from over there.

Bush: Rustle rustle.

Ark: There it was again. Did you hear it?

Cojiro: Ssssh! I’m listening to what it’s saying.

Ark: How can you listen to a bush?

Cojiro: I have a degree in Bushish.

Ark: Rrrrright.

Bush: Rustle rustle…. rustlerustlerustle!!!

Cojiro: Rustle rustlerustle.

Ark: What’s it saying?!?

Cojiro: It says there’s nothing to worry about.

Ark: Oh, right.

Cojiro: Let’s carry on.

(Ark and Cojiro carry on. Someone jumps out of the bush)

Person: Aha! I have fooled you with my marvellous bush impersonation!

(Ark and Cojiro turn around)

Ark: Who the heck are you?!?

Voice: I am Maiek. Bow before my incredible hair!!

Cojiro: No way! Stand aside Ark, I’ll put a stop to this

Maiek: You shall pay for your insolence!!

Cojiro: Nooooooo!!

Ark: What have you done!!!

Maiek: I have come to avenge the death of my creator; Marti!

Ark: That was Elbobo who killed Marti.

Maiek: Oh. Where is this ‘Elbobo’?

Ark: Cojiro and I killed him.

Maiek: My deepest apologies.

Maiek: Who are you, anyway.

Ark: My name’s Ark.

Cojiro: Woah!! Crazy. Right, take this fool!

Cojiro: Whhaaa!

Maiek: Your ‘silence’ spells are powerless against me. I am a talkative person; therefore I’m immune to silence.

Ark: Geez.

Cojiro: That’s not fair. (storms off)

Ark: Cojiro!! Wait!

Maiek: Come with me. Your time with him is done.

Ark: Yeah, he was kinda boring. I mean, ‘The geneology of the holy war’. Gee, who’d read something that dull…

(Ark and Maiek are somewhere in Gobi)

Nomad: Hey! Who invited you here?!?

Ark: We did.

Female nomad: Get out! You’re not welcome here!!

Ark: Woah! Who’s got P.M.T?!?

Female nomad: GET OUT!!!

(They leave the nomad camp)

Ark: You’d imagine travellers would accept their own kind. I mean, we had gems!

Maiek: Money isn’t everything, Ark. However, it sure is helpful.

(They wander about for a bit)

Ark: Hey, a hole! I need a rest. You go get some fruit off those juniper bushes over there.

Maiek: Okey Dokey

(Ark sees an old man in the hole)

Ark: Hey, gramps! Any more room down there!

Old man: Mmmmm mm mmmm!!

(Ark jumps down into the hole. He lands on the old mans foot)

Old Man: AARRGGHHHH! Oh damn oh damn oh DAMN! You’ve really done it now, you really have!

Ark: Done what, gramps?

Old man: I’ve kept my vow of silence for 17 years now. Not a single noise has passed through these lips in 17 YEARS!

(Ark peers over the top of the hole. The nomads are running towards the hole, wielding weapons)

Ark: Yeah, yeah gramps. Could you keep quiet now? I don’t want those people over there to know I’m here.

Old man: What’s the point? I’ve kept quiet all these years; there’s no point in starting again.

Ark: Could you please shut up!

Old man: No! You’ve broken my foot, how can I be quiet?

Nomad: There he is! In the hole!

Ark: Oh well done gramps! Thanks for nothing.

Female nomad: Let’s get him!

Old man: I’ve not said a word for 17 years until he came!

Nomad: A miracle! He must be a god!

Ark: I’m not a god! I just trod on his foot!

Old nomad: I was blind but now I can see!! (falls into the hole)

Ark: Rrrrrrright.

Nomad: Show us another miracle!

Ark: I’ve told you! I’m not a god. The only person who is that I know of is that old bloke in Lhasa, Kumari.

Young nomad: I’m hungry, make me some food from these pebbles!

Ark: (takes pebbles) I’M NOT A GOD!!!! (throws pebbles away)

(They all stare at the pebbles as they fly through the air. They land in the juniper bush)

Maiek: Oww!! Ark you…

Nomad: He has made us juniper bushes. Thank you, oh Great One!

Ark: I’ve had enough of this godly… well if you put it THAT way…

Old man: My juniper bushes!!! Keep away from those!! That’s all I’ve been living off.

Maiek: You really should try these, Ark. They’re really good!!

Ark: I would if you had any with you.

(Maiek looks blank)

Maiek: Sorry. They’re too good.

Ark: Hey, why don’t we use this chance to get away from these nomad people.

Maiek: That ‘ain’t a bad idea, Arky Warky.

Ark: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright…

(Ark is in a bar in Freedom. Maiek walks in)

Barman: What can I get you, boy?

Maiek: Could I have… a cola? Or, maybe a shandy. Something like that.

Barman: We only serve blazing hard liquor. Ya don’t like it, GET LOST!!

Ark: Ja! Yooo, really must twy dis stufffff, Maiek. Ish gooood. Vewy goooo…. (Ark passes out)

Maiek: Oh… Lordy.

(Ark and Maiek are at the Inn in Freedom. Ark is in bed)

Ark: Where am I? Ooohhh, my head. I haven’t eaten another L. Bulb, have I?

Maiek: It’s alright, Ark. You got a bit drunk.

Ark: Drunk!?! It feels like I’ve just been ripped apart by those wolves in Storkholm.

Maiek: Ooooooooo-kay then. I’ll just loosen this tourniquet…

Ark: Tourniquet????? You mean I…

Maiek: Nooo! Only joking. You get some rest.

Ark: Okay………mummy…

(Sleeping music plays. Screen goes wobbly)

(Ark and Maiek are in Stoma’s)

Stoma: So, you have come for a drinks test, have you?

Ark: Well, we only came to give you this, what’s it called again…

Maiek: A burger, Ark.

Ark: That’s right. This burger is for you.

Stoma: Ah, thanks. Doesn’t look too appetising… (throws burger away)

Ark: Hey!

Stoma: Now for your drinks test!

Ark: Oh, alright then. But only if you eat the burger afterwards.

Stoma: Excellent!! I mean, good. Here are your drinks.

Maiek: Ta very much! Bottoms up! (Maiek downs it in one)

Maiek: Very nice. I could do with some more of tha… ooh. Oh, I feel all tingly.

Ark: Happy Juice™! Oh, I’m having me some of this!!! (Ark takes a large swig) Hey, this tastes nothing like Happy Juice™!!! In fact, it tastes like… ugh. Urrrgh! (Ark faints)

Maiek: Hey Ark! Don’t go yet! I haven’t gone yet! (Maiek passes out)

Stoma: MwaahaahaahaahaaHAAAA!!!!

(Ark and Maiek are in a basement with various other people somewhere in Great L. They are all tied up.)

(They come round)

Maiek: Nughh… arrugh… AAAHHHHHHH! DON’T KILL ME BATMAN!!

Ark: Pardon?

Maiek: EH? Oh, no…nothing.

Ark: Hey, why are all these people here?

Maiek: Well Ark, I think they’re all here voluntarily to praise Stoma for his cooking mightiness.

Ark: But we didn’t come here willingly.

Maiek: Gah! (Slaps his forehead)

(The door opens, and a couple of people enter the basement)

Person: All of you, stand. The leader is about to enter.

Ark: Who’s this leader; some kind of leader?

Female Person: He is OUR leader. He will some day take us to a continent where we can start our own, perfect, civilisation.

Maiek: Ooh, sounds interesting…

Person: We will be the fastest growing civilisation ever thanks to our recent invention; Electricity!

Voice: Hey, that was my discovery!!!

Ark: Huh? That could only mean… Eddy? Eddy, how did you get here?

Eddy: I was feeling kinda thirsty, so I went out to try Stoma’s new sap juice drink. The next thing I know is I wake up here and your friend is screaming out ‘Batman’.

Maiek: Ahem…

Leader: I call you all as your leader!

Ark: Stoma!!! How could you!!

Stoma: As a token of my appreciation…

Maiek: Appreciation for what?

Stoma: For you co-operation, I will let you do what you want, supervised, until the travelling machine is finished, so that we can go to the New Continent!!!

Ark: Big deal, I already have a boat. There’s no hype about building one.

Stoma: Right, scrub the building. We will use Ark’s boat.

Ark: Bleah…

Stoma: Until we set sail, you are free to do whatever you want.

Maiek: Yeees!! I’m off to fish. See ya later, losers!

Ark: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrright…

(Maiek is leading against a tree, fishing.)

Maiek: Nananananananana fishing! Nananananananana fishing! Fishing! Fishing! Nananananananana fishi…

Man: I think it’s time to go now, Maiek…

Maiek: Shhhhh… Fishing!

Man: There will be a feast on the ship…

Maiek: Feast?!? That means Bulbs, right?

Man: Errr, Bulbs, aren’t allowed at the New Continent. Nor are any sort of health-boost related items…

Maiek: Maiek no function, Bulbs no without.

Man: There will be a free gift for every sailor, and…

Maiek: Outta my way, jerk ass!

(Ark, Maiek, and all the others, are on Ark’s boat, bound for the New Continent)

Ark: This really is a good feast, isn’t it Maiek. Maiek?

Maiek: Urrrgh…

Ark: Maiek! Gee, really. How do you keep that size if you eat like a pig!

Maiek: Eat once a day.

Ark: Ooooooooookay then.

Person: Excuse me, everyone. Lets praise the leader for this wondrous meal, with a chant.

Female person: (whispers) There’s nothing like a droning chant to undermine they’re stability.

Person and Female person: The leader is good, the leader is great, surrender yourself now, as of this day.

All but Maiek: The leader is good, the leader is great, surrender yourself now, as of this day.

Female Person: That one over there, with the great hair. He seems to resist the chant.

Person: Hmm… Ah, I know what to do.

Female person: What’s that then?

Person: Listen. Nananananananana leader! Nananananananana leader!

All but Maiek: Nananananananana leader! Nananananananana leader! Leader! Leader! Nananananananana leader!

Maiek: BATMAN!!! Err, I mean LEADER!!! Urrrrghh!

Person: Excellent.

(Stoma is with two people in a corner of the ship. Ark and Maiek are nearby)

Stoma: (whispers) Now with all of them under control, we can go ahead and make them all slaves to work on the New Continent

Person 1: Ooh, ooh! Can I be a slave driver! Pleeease!!!

Stoma: Shhhhh!!! You baffon! We don’t what them to know!

Person 1: I suppose not. If they knew they were going to become slaves they would probably rebel!

Ark: Hey! Did you hear that?!?

Maiek: Whaaa…

Ark: Stoma’s going to turn us lot into slaves.

Maiek: Ugh! We’ve got to do something! No, wait a minute, let me re-phrase that. You’ve got to do something. I can’t move.

Ark: It’s always me isn’t it. (mumbles off)

(Ark walks over toward Stoma)

Ark: Hey buddy!

Stoma: Yeas…

Ark: What’s all this to do with slavery?

Stoma: I…I don’t know what to mean, Ark.

Ark: Nice try pal. Die before the point of my Ice Pike.

Stoma: Never! (runs off)

Ark: I hate it when this happens.

(Ark chases Stoma round the deck of the boat for a while. Stoma then trips up on Maiek, and falls over)

Stoma: Arrrgh!

Ark: Say goodbye pal!

(Ark jumps over Maiek and stabs Stoma in the back. Stoma dies)

Maiek: Very nicely done. Almost as good as me.

Ark: Enough of the wisecracks. Lets turn this hog around.

(Ark turns the boat around, and they head back to Freedom)

(Ark and Maiek are at the Inn in Freedom)

Ark: That was an interesting event on that boat, wasn’t it?

Maiek: (distant) Err… yeah. I suppose it was.

Ark: Hey, what’s that you’re putting on your hair. Looks kinda sticky.

Maiek: It’s my Hair gel. It makes my hair look fantabulously sexy.

Ark: Well… why are you doing yourself up?

Maiek: I’m taking one of the 3 girls out.

Ark: Rrrrrright. Where are you taking her?

Maiek: Liotto

Ark: Oh. What should I do?

Maiek: Don’t ask me.

(They both leave the Inn)

Ark: I wonder what sort of daft adventures we’ll get up to next.

Maiek: So do I. Nananananananana Leader…